The following is stupid.  But it did kill 30 minutes of my work day.  Only 30 more to go.

Current Mood: bored

For centuries, Man has warned of his own destruction.  How his own creation, technology will rise and overthrow its masters.  That day is upon us.

 http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/05/05/robotic.squirrel.ap/index.html

On a related note, the 4th Terminator will be PG-13.  This truely is the end of the world.

March kicked my ass.  I probably left my apartment a total of 4 times.  I was stricken with the flu, double ear infection, double eye infection, and a sinus infection.  Then, when my ears finally popped after three weeks, I am finally able to hear my breaks grinding every time I slow down.  God knows how long they've been doing that.  Apparently enough to fuck my routers. $350.  But fuck it.  Im healthy!  Time to become the social butterfly emerging from his cocoon.  Time to get back in shape.  So I head off to Sport Rock expecting a difficult day due to my atrophy.  Turns out i did pretty well, some v1's, almost to the level when i stopped.  And I wasnt even sore the next day.  But the next night was one of the worst I have ever had.
    Apparently i managed to strain not only my back but my upper abdomen at the same fucking time.  Imagine someone constantly punching you in the stomach and back for 6 hours straight.  I was literally rolling on the ground in pain.  I popped god knows how many ibuprofen.  No effect.  I was so worn out.  All I wanted to do was sleep but the pain kept me up all night.  So finally at 5am I drive to a 24hour CVS.  That was an adventure in itself since the sleeping pills started to kick in.  Kinda like driving after a 12pack.  So I stumble into CVS wearing sweatpants, slippers, and a hoodie.  Sweat was dripping down my face from the pain.  My hair mashed up on both sides. I actually doubled over in the medicine isle and stayed on one knee for a few minutes.  Then the cops show up.
  The nice old lady behind the counter apparently thought I was a drug addict trying to break into the pharmacy.  I told the surprisingly friendly cops of my injuries and they let me on my way with a $40 heating pad and $20 worth of over the counter pain medicine.  I finally passed out around 7 with a heating pad wrapped around my stomach and enough pills in my belly to destroy an elephants liver.  I feel a lot better now but seriously,  why does crazy shit like this keep happening to me?  Is my guardian angel just a stoned hippie sitting on a couch watching The Jeffersons reruns?  Does lady luck think im a sexist asshole?  Does God really hate me for looking at all that internet porn in college?  Give me a break!  I had a T1 connection!  Fuck March.  And April better be not have anything up its sleeve if it knows whats good for it.

That is all....

Current Location: Under a heating pad
Current Mood: sore

Im at work and I just went to the bathroom.  I used a urinal.  A spider landed on my dick.  Well, not my dick but the my left hand which was presently holding my dick.  It was just a litte guy but it was the last thing i expected to happen at that moment and I freaked out and started jumping and twirling and smashing my hand against the wall.  I pissed all over my hands, the wall, my shirt and pants, and probably the spider too.  I spent twenty minutes trying to dry the piss stains off my clothes using the hot air hand dryer.  I still have to sit here for thirty more minutes till I can go home and shower.  This really pisses me off.

that is all....

Current Location: sitting in a pool of my own unine
Current Mood: pissed off

Ok, so like, I totally had the flu, alright?  And then, like, it totally backed up my sinuses and I was like "What-ev!"  It was sooooo backed up that, OMG it went into my eyes and ears, AS-IF!  Then, like, totally got infected.  So I had2infected eyes and 2 infected ears WTF!  It was like I was drunk and hungover at the same time, 24-7!  Like. I couldnt stand up with out puking or falling down. Ewe, GROSS!  So my BFF told me to go see a doctor and she gave me like sooooo many prescriptions and they cost alot so now im, like, broke.  F That!.  And now im totally back at work but im totally not feeling well yet totally at all.....totally!

Like, That is alll..

Current Mood: crappy

Well my week-long cold is gone.  It was getting pretty bad.  My sinuses were so bad that fluid was draining out of my eyes.  Then, it started clogging up my ears.  I tried popping my ears but that just made it worse.  I squeezed my nose shut and blew hard.  I felt air blowing out of my ears but then none got sucked back in.  So now there's basically a vacuum inside my head creating even more pressure that wont go away.  Its making me disoriented because my equilibrium is all thrown off.   And because of that I have been constantly dizzy and nauseous all day long.
Ive tried taking antihistamines, taking a long, warm shower, using ear wax removal stuff, using a humidifier, yawning, chewing gum, standing on my head.  I cant walk straight and it hurts to stand up.  I think its causing an ear infection and my jaw hurts.  Hopefully ill be able to sleep tonight.  If its still clogged in the morning ill go to the doctors.

that is all....

 A phone conversation I had at work today:


Me:  RE/MAX blah blah blah how can I help you?
Stupidman: I need to talk to an agent I use to work with in your office immediately.
Me:  Sure.  What is their name?
Stupidman: See, I cant remember......It was definitely a man.
Me:...........................do you know what property you two were working on?
Stupidman:  No, it was a long time ago.  Look, I just want to give them some business.
Me:  Why dont you try going to our website.  It has pictures of all our agents.  Maybe..
Stupidman:  NO! Look, how many agents do you have in your office?
Me: about 60 I guess.
Stupidman:  You guess?  You dont know the exact amount?
Me:  No...
Stupidman:  So half of those are male right?
Me:  Not really.  There's more women here....
Stupidman:  So that leaves 30 possiblities right?
Me:  That still doesn't narrow it down to 1.

This conversation continues for several minutes.  He keeps calling me back.  He bitches and moans some more and then demands to speak with my boss.  I gladly transfer him.  Later I had a grand time describing the conversation to my Boss.  The words "other-worldly" "Stupify" "ridiculous" "dumbfounded" and "I have no idea" were used.  My boss agreed.

Ive also been sick all week and thats why I haven't seen anyone recently.

That is all...

Current Location: work
Current Mood: sick

I went grocery shopping last night.  I was sad.  Then I saw that they had the Easter candy out already (isn't that shit in April or something?).  I searched the isle franticly.  I could not find them.  I was very sad.  Then I found them.  Those little treasures.  Now I am happy.  I can haz Cabury Eggs!  God bless Jesus second birthday!

Its a little known secret that Jews love Cadbury Eggs.  We covet them.  We horde them.  We worship them as false idols.  But something is amiss in Mr. Cadbury's factory.  Last year I ate a shitload of the fuckers.  But they didn't seem as big as they use to.  I figured my hands were just bigger than when I was a kid and thats why they seem smaller.  But I went to Cadbury's website anyways and sure enough, in the FAQ section it states "They're not smaller, your just bigger!".  I accepted this blind truth and continued my gorging.  Then a few months later I saw the Conan O'Brien show on TV.  One of the guests was fellow Jew B.J. Novak, who writes for the show The Office and also stars as Ryan the Intern.  He too loves Cabury Eggs.  He talked about how he would buy them by the hundreds so he would have a supply for the entire year.  He also got the feeling he was getting "Jew'd" with the size of his new Cadbury Eggs.  So he went through his collection and found one from several years ago.  On the show they did a side by side comparison and the new eggs were SIGNIFICANTLY smaller that the older ones.  

Cadbury lied to us.  They cheated us.  They broke our hearts.  But Mr. Cadbury is my crack dealer and I can never give up his product.  I will continue to eat the eggs.  But each time I open one I will be thinking about how much better it would be if it was the older, bigger size.  I will be sad.

Current Mood: sad

stolen unabashedly from

Three Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. Leave the country
2. Go to a Sci-Fi convention

3. Having sex again would be nice

Three Names You Go By:
1. Rubin
2. Moses

3. ODJ (Ol Dirty Jew)

Three Screen Names You Have Had:
1. N0fat6irls

2. Matzaballz4u
3. imasandwich

Three Physical Things You Like About Yourself:
1. I have very pretty eyes
2. Always been proud of my calf muscles

3. I can bend my thumb back really far

Three Parts Of Your Heritage:
1. Russian
2. Polish
3. English

Three Things That Scare You:
1. Squirrels
2. cockroaches
3. Fireworks

Three Of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Sleep
2. Shower

3. pizza

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Carrhartt socks.  The greatest socks in the world
2. Aqua Di Gio

3. Plaid boxers

Three Of Your Favorite Bands/Musical Artists:
1. NINe inch nails
2. The Kinks
3. The Blood Brothers

Three Of Your Favorite Songs:
1. Mother-Danzig
2. Brothers of Metal-Manowar
3. Coming to America-Neil Diamond

Three Things You Want In A Relationship:
1. Comfort
2. Relaxation

3. Stability

Two Truths And A Lie (in no particular order):
1. Im shy

2. I read every night before bed

3. I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die

Three Physical Things About The Preferred Sex That Appeal To You:
1. Boob
2. The other boob
3. Shoulders

Three Of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Going to the movies
2. Hiking

3. Eating Pizza while watching football

Three Things You Want To Do Really Badly Right Now:
1. Sleep
2. Eat at Five Guys
3. Play Ping pong

Three Careers You're Considering/You've Considered:
1.  I don’t really think about my career/future careers that much.  Probably not a good thing

2.
3.

Three Places You Want To Go On Vacation:
1. Japan
2. Egypt

3. Germany

Three Names You Like:
1. Jonathan
2. Jose
3. Leto

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Girl:
1. Im afraid of insects.
2. I listen to ABBA & Britney Spears.
3. I get hit on by old creepy men.

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Boy:
1. Im hairy

2. I scream a the TV when watching football

3. I drink beer

 

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: Work Music

Im a big political geek.  And man did shit go down in Iowa!  Ima bout to break it down for yallz.

First up the Republicans.  Huckabee, who had no money and no support a month ago kicked Romneys ass.  McCain did fairly well.  Everyone else blows.  From here on out Huckabee will probably drop alot while Romney fights McCain for the nomination.  Im pullin for McCain.

Dem Dem's:  Obama takes the lead.  It was kind of expected.  What wasn't expected was Edwards coming in second.  Clinton got kicked to third.  From here it will be a three way race for the nod.  Edwards has come back to his 1st tier contender status.  My man Joe Biden dropped out with only 1%.  Which means ill probably be voting for Edwards on Feb. 12th.

Who's gonna be prez?  I predict McCain if he can get the nomination.  If not, then Guliani.  I don't think the dems will win because Hillary will probably get the nomination and she wont be able to win the general election.  Either way, at least it aint another Bush.

That is all...

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: contemplative